So we’ve got a lot of interesting things here at Christmas Central. As a relatively new employee, I felt it my job…NAY…my duty…to dive right in and try to get a grasp of all of the festive merchandise that we carry.
Most of the items are pretty self-explanatory. Christmas trees? Check. Thousands upon thousands of lights? Abso-tively! A really obscene amount of pepper spray for some reason? Sure!
Every now and then however, I’ll stumble across something that will truly raise an eyebrow…something that will make the scholar in me rub his studly chin, take an inhale from his pipe and then wheeze uncontrollably when he remembers he doesn’t smoke.
With this in mind, I present to you the “World of Santas” Collection. The basic premise of these miniature statuettes is that different cultures have a different opinion of what Santa Claus looks like and accomplishes every 24th night of December. I like to consider myself a pretty “with it” and “hip” individual, but some of these Santas made me truly wonder what in the heck other countries were thinking.
Take my hand on this journey and know me better man!
Now, upon first glance French Santa seems pretty normal. Standard red & white outfit with his big ol’ bag of fun draped across his back. But why is the jolly fat man sporting cross-country skis? Is Santa trying out for the North Pole Olympics? With his weight issues that might be a lawsuit dying to happen. Dying…get it? Oh I sleigh me.
Brazilian Santa should have waaaaaaay more going on! This is the country that gave us outrageous soccer celebrations, samba and Carnaval! Santa should at the very least be heavily bronzed, wearing trendy sunglasses and sipping a mai tai. That’s the Father Noel I’d like to party with. And what’s with the birdhouse? I really don’t think Santa’s elves can squeeze in recreational birdhouse building in between making all of those unused wooden train sets I’ve always seen them working on in Coke commercials.
Behold, Santalf The White! Now this is one busy Santa. He’s got his magic wizard cane ready at the helm and his Superman cape ready to fly. What’s most amusing to me however are the black gloves that Santa is rocking. Either someone is about to pick a fight with some bad Dutch boys & girls or Santa’s about ready to do some light gardening. The sash also confuses me since it seemingly professes Santa’s love of the drink or other less than reputable activities. Cheers!
This is a Santa that I fully support. He’s got his stylish red & black cloak and comes bearing gifts. Look kids, it’s a…pointy…multi-color…thing…for all of your pointy, multi-color needs! The caption claims that it is some sort of piñata, but I’d like to think it’s the North Pole’s version of a throwing star. Hey, if a Ninja Turtle used it in the 1990s, you’d all know what it was! I also like Santa’s green thumb as his potted poinsettia is portrayed particularly pretty. Again with the wizard cane though, this better not be a magical trend amongst worldly Santas. I don’t like Kris Kringle practicing the dark arts, that’s the first step towards delinquency.
*awkward silence* …pass…
I’ve got to admit, I’m a bit put off by Spanish Santa’s combative stance. He looks like a man who was just roused out of a good night’s sleep and is now ready to chase some hoodlum’s off his front lawn. “Do you punks have ANY idea what time it is!? I do! Just check out my stylish yet strangely out-of-place pocket watch! Don’t make me wallop you upside the head with this bell/wine goblet! You darn kids with your Yu-Gi-Oh cards and combustible engines!” By the way, in my mind all of that was screamed in Clint Eastwood’s voice.
Again with the wizard cane, sheesh. I’m very pleased to see that this Santa, having spent many years traveling throughout the globe, has become a man-about-town and is unafraid to be seen in public wearing his man-purse. Good for you, Santa! Stereotypes be damned! I’m also assuming that Ukrainian Santa passes out bakery goodies to each child while they sleep, hence the reason for his unusually large wheat supply he carries with him. Perhaps Santa got a loan from Panera Bread.
GAAAHHH! Send this Santa back under! Come on Australia, you can do so much better than this. When the rest of the countries were at the meeting to design their Santas, were you in the bathroom stealing sips of fermented wine from Luxemburg? We told you those Luxies were bad news! Seriously though, this Santa just looks incredibly seedy and probably owns several tinted and non-descript vans. I’m not even going to begin to hypothesize over Santa’s koala-stealing addiction either. Even Freud’s mind would shudder.
Forget Canadian Santa’s Phantom of The Opera-esque mask or his “I left my Santa cloak in with the whites” bleached outfit, the real story going on with this statuette is that apparently Santa is thousands of feet tall. Those other worldly Santas must have used their wizard powers to make him a giant. WATCH as he picks your house up with the slightest bit of effort! AMAZE as he callously pockets Canadian wildlife! I’d love to see this Santa climb up on the CN Tower in Toronto and fight off biplanes.
USA! USA! USA! Now this is the Santa I know and love. Look at him, so ready to commit a breaking an entry felony. The flag patch is a wee bit unsettling though, I’m not sure Santa should be professing his love for America in patch form. What if the other countries find out about this bold allegiance? France will demand he imprint the fleur-de-lis on his Santa bag, England will want him to start wearing a Union Jack belt buckle…you know what this leads to?
Corporate sponsorship.
Soon we’ll have FEDEX Presents “Santa Claus”, brought to you by Krispy Kreme.
That will make Rudolph cry.
What is your favorite 
